Warning Parental Failure: Yes, I'll let you be a Big Boy

Over the past couple of months we have watched our little Gator blossom into a sweet and loving little toddler, who wants to be just like his big brother. He wants to ride his big brother's bike, sleep in his big brother's bunk bed, and now try to use the potty like his big brother. So, one thing at a time.

We still do not let Monk sleep on the top bunk bed. This is a safety concern for us, of course we don't want him falling out, even though there is a rail, but more or less let's just say...we are not the best waking family on the planet. Meaning it takes all of us a good 20 minutes before we can function to even hear what is going on around us! That being said, when he wakes up at night to go potty, we need him to be able to function to get to the ladder and climb down, understanding that he can't just swing his legs over and sleep walk to the toilet. Reality: We still have the ladder hidden away!

So how does this fair for our Gator? Well, he saw all the hype that Monk displayed over his getting bunk beds.

Confession: We have had the bunk beds all along, we just never put the top bunk on until we moved and didn't have the space to store the pieces for the top.

Gator sees Monk in his new bed and wants to get in EVERY night. So he learned to hoist his little short heiny over the top of his crib. Yes, he fell out once, then tried multiple times again and one of those times he lodged himself between the wall and the crib rail. Yes, I stopped got out my phone to take a picture of this adventure. I know horrible mama not immediately coming to his rescue.

But the moral of my bed story is a 20 month old being able to climb out of bed every night is just not a good thing. We as parents know this and we also know that he just isn't ready for a big boy toddler bed yet and neither are we. Finally, just before he turned 21 months we got up the mustard to do it. Better to attempt to transition him, than him fall out break a bone or knock his pearly whites out. 

He is in love with the fact that he can get in and out of his bed on his own, but has absolutely no desire to actually sleep in it open. What is a parent to do? We tried for an hour and a half every night to get him to lay down and fall asleep. We even sent Monk out of the room and well that didn't work. We pretty much tried everything and got no where, then we turned the "bed" backwards against the wall! As you can see the sides of the crib are slanted so there is no hoisting capability, and he sleeps and so do the rest of us. 

So on to my parenting failure...

Our big boy, who isn't ready for a big boy bed yet, has decided that his new favorite word is POTTY. Everyone in the house goes potty in the toilet and well the other night he wanted to too. After putting him to bed, he started saying "POTTY, POTTY". What's a Parent to do? Picture this... Mr. BBH grabs him out of the crib, hands him over, goes running into our bathroom to get a toddler toilet ring that just never made it into a box when we moved, as I am ripping his footed jammies off and pulling his diaper off and then hoist this little barely 3 foot mini human onto the toilet where his legs barely hang over the edge. Then he is very uneasy on the toilet ring, why? He has a big booty and well the little potette ring just wasn't big enough. Well nothing happened but a battle of the wills. Gator swiftly trying to out smart BBH reaches for the flusher knob and woosh. Then again, but blocked by Mr. BBH. Now, the game has begun. 

We bought him some of his own Big Boy undies and let him try them out. He is very proud of his undies! I know blurry picture but the expression says it all!

So last night Mr. BBH, not wanting to have a toilet battle of the flushing wills take two, climbed up into the attic and searched for the box of Potties, since "Potty, Potty" came out at dinner time. We put him in his big boy undies and over to the potty he went. Nothing again, but hey it's a start. Not thinking Gator was still in just undies, the kids ran down stairs to the playroom to play for a bit before bed. Well, we called them up 10 minutes later and he was wet. Ok, so he just peed. No big deal. Upstairs to get ready for bed and clean jammies on. "Potty, Potty". This time, we put him in washable trainers and a vinyl cover, had a little potty in the bathroom, but footie jammies. Nothing happened in the potty, but his trainers were wet. We got him cleaned up, put a new pair of trainers on and vinyl again and off to lala dream land he went. Or so we thought. 

At 4 am. He woke up screaming. Now, not being those waking parents, Mr. BBH finally heard him and went in. I have been under the weather and well comatose at night. Finally 20 minutes later, Mr. BBH comes in and wakes me up, he can't figure out what is wrong and needs to go back to sleep. I go in. I reach into the mock crib for him, and he is soaked. Vinyl pants, you suck is all I thought. My poor little Gator, was freezing. So I call for Mr. BBH, "I need some help, I need a dipe!" We had pee, we had poop, we had a frozen little big boy that didn't want to take off his big boy undies and a wet bed. As I was ripping everything off, Mr. BBH felt horrible. "I asked him, I did, I checked to see if he was wet, he wasn't, I asked him if his teeth hurt and he said NO!" The Gator was just embarrassed he had an accident. Everything was alright we reminded him. We got him cleaned up and he was still hysterical. Mr. BBH took him back to our bed while I cleaned everything up. 

So much for our Big Boy, who needs a toddler bed... who just doesn't want one, and neither do we, but wants to potty train instead. What is a parent to do? Fail. Yep. We failed on our first go round of the big boy bed...our first potty training go round, by doing it at night. Hopefully, this doesn't deter him, but we are going to hit this full speed ahead this weekend and see where it lands us. We know better, I know better, but I wanted to let my child take the lead on this. So it's a dreary Wednesday and sleep deprived parents, our poor children who are all geared up for an awesome day are going to have to witness totally caffeinated struggling parents!

Day 86: January Quest: Family Fun Time, just not on the weekends.

When we first found out that we were having a baby, we were baffled, confused and overwhelmed. We had been married for 2 months and both Mr. Bacon Bringer Homer and I had demanding careers. Our work schedules were all over the place. Mr. BBH was the first of us to get a consistent schedule and since I was a event marketing director having any semblence of a traditional schedule was inconceivable. Our 2-some, now referred to by the general public as DINK's (Dual Income No Kids) was about to change and we weren't really that "into" changing our lifestyle. Sure, having a baby was going to change our home life, but our working life, we weren't willing to compromise our livelyhood. But as  life happens things change. I got laid off 8.5 months pregnant and learned that by staying home and collecting unemployment, we would actually make more money a month than if I was still working and we had to pay for daycare. So it was a no-brainer for us. We were going to ride the unemployment gravy train until it ran out and I had to start working again. Well unemployment ran out, I couldn't find a job in the current market and we had to make it work. Funny how a traumatic experience and life's greatest blessing collide.

When Monk was 2 month's old, he needed out of the house, heck I needed out of the house. We were the second couple in our circle of friends to have a child and well the only ones in our area. So we joined a Stay at Home mom's group. It has been the most wonderful experience for both of us. Monk has made some great playmates and learned from so many other children that have come into our lives. I have made some really great mom friends that the sharing life's experiences of motherhood brought us together. Had we not have been "forced" into becoming a one-income household, Monk and I would be a a different place, and our circles with these families probably would never have collided.

Mr. Bacon Bringer Homer's profession requires him to work non-traditional hours. There is no concept of 9-5 in our household. Some of the other families that we have met share our non-traditional family hours. Our children go to bed late, sleep in during the morning hours so that we can have some semblence of family time at night. Mostly this time is so that we can all sit down together and share supper, but there has to be a way that we can incorporate more. Not necessarily more activities on our plate, but more togetherness. We do not want our children to think that it is perfectly normal to eat supper, watch some tv, and go to bed. For some people that method of togetherness is fine, but for shaping the minds of our household...not so much.

 Our quest for January and throughout 2012 will be to incorporate more family fun time throughout the week and not only on the weekends. This past weekend was a great family fun weekend, but our family is suffering in the getting to really enjoy each other throughout the week. As our children get older, we want them to know that there is always a time for them rather than them thinking that watching tv is more important than what they think and want to share. 

Day 25: Adventures in Cloth

Since our consumerism challenge has come to an end, Adventures in Cloth Diapering has begun.

Lesson One: Some of these need covers and some do not

When Monk was a baby, I had seen many of my SAHM friends using cloth diapers on their babies and we had briefly talked about the advantages of using them; less irritation, less diaper rashes, money savings, environmentally conscious...and the lists they gave me went on. They weren't using what looked like your mom's white dish cloths with pins and stuff. They were using one that looked like a disposable diaper with velcro tabs, they just happened to look a tad bulkier on the hieny. Apparently, there are considerable differences in this growing going cloth world. Well since we have had our own tribulations with baby Gator, plus our consumerism challenge, we knew that we had to make the switch to cloth.

There are CD's (Cloth Diapers) that need covers and some that do not, we learned this on day 1 of changing to CD's. After putting one on that didn't need a cover, then changing the Gator into one that apparently did, and again and again...having to clean up the mess, I pretty much psychologically broke down and almost said screw it. It just wasn't for me. All I knew of CD's were that they were "new age" and easy piezy, well yes, if you know what you are using!

Both types of CD's that we were given have velcro tabs on the outside and looked very similar. We were not given any "covers". We were given ones that had prints on them and when I found out that they needed a cover, I thought well "why put a design on them if you are just going to cover it up?". I apparently had so much to learn and I had to do it quickly. The CD's that did not need covers soon became my favorites to use. They had a pocket inside that you just "stuff" a cloth retangular pad into and you are off and running. They also have velcro or snaps, so it makes them easy on easy off. Voila, diaper change in 2 minutes, same as with a disposable! Soon these became my favorites to use. Ya know in the first 48 hours!

We had 4 no-covers on hand and 4 need covers and well I knew that Mr. Bacon Bringer Homer wouldn't be that into changing the Gator if it took him more than the usual 3 step process of remove, wipe, put one on. So 4 just wouldn't cut it. I found myself washing one as soon as it was used. I began losing my mind. My friend Mrs. P, who had used CD's on both of her babes, came over with 6 dipes from her stash that she could share! WaHoo, we now had 10 and I could possibly make it from morning to night and then wash! Life was so much easier in tushy land! The Gator, took well to CDing and we have had no reactions since!

I began looking into getting my own stash of our CD's. We knew that we wanted ones that had the built in no cover. To my surprise, I found a whole marketing mecca of CD's. So many options, so many different varieties, each with their own must-have tweaks to make your CD life easier. I feel like I have learned a whole new language with all the terminology that comes along with learning about this. Terms and Abbreviations amuck! It was mind blowing. More on this later in another blog.

Lesson 2: $$$$
Then came the cost of these suckers! Some of them range from $9-$29 each! WTF? Could there be that much of a difference in these pee and poop catchers? Our new found favorites, Bumgenius, as we have come to learn are some what of the cadillac of CD's, they are about $18 each, luckily they are not the coveted Shelby Mustangs or Ferrari!

At the tail end of our challenge, after scouring the internet for the best prices to buy some Bumgenius to build our stash and give Mrs. P back hers, I came across a giant sale. Buy 5 get one free! Cha Ching! My discount shopper beacon went off! Apparently, this type of sale is rare in the CDing world! So, I began navigating around, and another new vocabulary lesson into colors and prints of CD's began. I thought that ya know, staying away from colors and prints, and staying with white ones would be cheaper, but nope the ones without prints cost the same as white. I filled a shopping cart with 12 of these suckers. Mr. Bacon Bringer Homer began to think I was nuts. He would come home and find an open window on the computer tuned into dipes. I would ask him about what colors he liked, I wasn't going to leave him out of this new found bargain! But guess what, I got another odd look, because frankly he didn't give a flying. "Why should I give a flying about what color the poop catchers are?".

The night before our consumerism challenge was coming to an end, he checked the total in the shopping cart, his mouth dropped. "Are you kidding me" I heard him shout from the other room. "You can't possibly think that we are going to fork out almost $200 for 12 Diapers! We're coming off a saving money sprint!" So as quick as those words left his mouth, I reminded him that we would not have to buy diapers again, even if we had another baby! Quickly this lifestyle, when put to dollars and cents, and considering the fact that the Gator would be in dipes for another 2 years at minimum. That's a pretty good deal compared to the $60 a month we were spending on dipes, then throw in the money we were spending on rash and redness cream for Gator's allergic reactions, at $20 a month...all this even with coupons!

So here's the math:

2.5 years or 30 months x $60= $1800 on dipes

                                30 x $20= $600 on cream

                           _________________

                                     $2400

vs. $180 

Since we were already running our washing machine with 4 people in the house, it really wouldn't change our bill there, by throwing in some dipes.

So...Hello...Buy now!

Day 17: Being ME vs. Other Parenting

When I was in college a friend gave me a copy of this poem and it has always stayed with me... Always in the back of my mind when I look at any child. 

Law Nolte, Dorothy (1924 - 2005) Children learn what they live

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, they learn to fight. If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive. If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves. If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy. If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy. If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty. If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence. If children live with tolerance, they learn patience. If children live with praise, they learn appreciation. If children live with acceptance, they learn to love. If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves. If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal. If children live with sharing, they learn generosity. If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness. If children live with fairness, they learn justice. If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect. If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them. If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

I understand that there are very few people like myself in the world. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I do not have a penis in this sense but I have a hard time understanding why people just can't be totally honest with each other. Granted, I am brash and blunt most of the time. Mr. Bacon Bringer Homer says that I do not have a mute button when I give honest answers. I feel that I would be doing a huge disservice to my children if I sugar coated things. If I weren't forthright with them, it would be as if I am telling them they need to be honest human beings...but only in certain circumstances. This is just the tip of my iceberg on that subject.

In our home there is nothing on a child's level that can not be played with. Everything in their reach can be picked up, played with and learned about. We do not prevent our children and those that visit our home from a teaching experience. We want our children to know how things work, what they do, what they do not do and what they can become. We encourage active imaginative play and not with just toys. We support well rounded learning and vocabulary boosting. We do not baby talk to our children. If our child wants to try to do something, we encourage it. I am not saying that we are letting them jump off the banister or do anything that could potentially maim them for life!  If they want to taste something, we encourage it. They are individual human beings. Just because I or we may not like to do or eat something, does not mean that this separate person capable of their own individual likes and dislikes will or won't.

Being a SAHM offers me the advantages of choosing what I deem appropriate for my children to learn. I am fortunate in this instance. I understand that parents who opt to send their children to a formalized preschool or daycare, believe in their heart that they have made the correct choice of appropriateness as to what their children are exposed to whether it was by necessity or not. I also understand that I can not control what they are going to be introduced to when they start school, but we as parents will be involved.

The point of my parenting rant is not the actuality of being a SAHP or not. This is not a war between the working parents...just because you work hard, bring home a paycheck and I do not does not by any mean, mean that I do not work just as hard or even harder than you...DRAMA. The fundamental of my argument is how children are being raised today. Many of them are taught that the world owes them something. This attitude is primarily based on bribing children in my mind. If you do what I ask of you right now then you will get ____ in return. How about teaching your children that you mean what you say and leave the bribery out.

Disclosure: I will include that a reward system for long-term success for attaining certain goals is appreciated in my mind such as acts in Potty Training.

Parents are so apt today to give in and forget that a child is learning everything everyday to which the parents have known their whole life. Can a parent honestly say that they have bribery arguments with their boss or anyone in the real world? Re-teaching the parent to actually say what they mean and mean what they say when it comes to parenting I feel is necessary to raise a capable, self assured, contributing and productive child.

We, as parents spend so much time teaching our children what they can't do rather than letting them learn what they can do. A capable child, understands that making their own choices is part of everyday life. I am not saying that I am offering my children my keys to drive my car. I am, however notioning to the fact that all actions are choices and most of those choices have consequences. Life isn't always fair, every parent or non-parent alike knows this. However, if you give your children time for appropriateness, you will spend less time telling them no, when it is not the appropriate situation of sorts. Leading by example, getting down, experiencing life through their eyes and teaching your child manners will give them the cornerstone of success in life.

We have an art table in our kitchen that is stocked with paper, markers, crayons, stickers, playdoh and tools as well as colored pastas, yarn and glue. It is fully accessible for him to get creative with these supplies as long as they are done at the art table. It is there for getting creative. When I set things out for him to "experiment" with, we do this together, messes are contained and are ok. Showing him that this is the appropriate place to make a mess.

Yesterday, we had a play date for Monk here at our house. There were 3 other children in addition to Monk. So, these 3 other children at the play date kept looking up at their mothers to see if today's messy activity was ok. Monk was happily playing along and getting royally messy. Stated in our posted play date was the fact that we were going to get messy, so bring a change of clothes. Over and over these moms kept asking me "are you sure this is ok?" I kept saying to these moms that it is ok for the kids to get messy; "pour, dump, taste, & try new things" I told the kids. They (the moms) looked at me like I was nuts. In return, I tried my hardest not to look at them back with the look of "you don't let your children do this?" Do these parents not talk to their children about where they are going and what they are going to do when they get there? Or better yet, standing there speechless at their child...not one of them asked their children questions about what they were doing, making ect. No engagement. Maybe I am wrong in my thinking about them as parents, but their children had a very hard time engaging in messy play, it was if they thought that by participating they would "get in trouble."

In our family, we learn new things together, make a mess together and together we clean it up. If you don't do this, how will they learn what stuff feels like, tastes like, imagine...create and to clean up their messes? It's as if you gave a child a box of crayons without outlets to utilize them, duh they are going to think of something to use them on and most likely you are going to have to clean their artwork off the walls. In doing this, will they have a sense of self accomplishment, self assurance, self awareness? Yes, but you will probably end up frustrated, portraying your frustration to your child thus unknowingly telling them that this accomplishment...their masterpiece is not acceptable in your mind.  Thus teaching them that it is right to be shameful and wrong to have confidence in what they are capable of doing. I know that there can't be just a few of us parents in the world! You know those of us who want our children to know what a tree feels like rather than looking at it out a window or on a computer!

It just astounds me the way that parents will talk down to a child yet expect them to act like mature adults all the time and then be embarrassed at ultimate meltdowns. We knew what type of parents we wanted to be before we became parents. I know this is true of most parents. There are things that we as grown "children" think that our parents could have done differently and we as the "parents" now are out to change. There are things that we as "parents" will instill in our children as our parents did that we will pass along. We as parents want the best for our children...for some it is the best clothes, schools, toys, you know what you can buy your child. The best thing in life that you can give your child is your actions, attention, patience, kindness and love; you know the stuff you can't buy but teach. The hindsight of relegating your child to the back burner in life and not being that parent you knew you wanted to be to your child is...your decision.

Day 7: The Burning of the Bats

I have always been a fan of Cathy Guisewite's comic strip "Cathy". Well, last week the strip that I have always looked forward to reading every weekend came to an end. At times, I could really relate to Guisewite's humor. Back in 1999, she had written a strip talking about how she wanted to understand the man's world. I cut it out of the paper, and it has been on my refrigerator since, move after move I have carried this one particular strip with me. I have tried to find a link online, so that I could share but the archives that I have found do not go back that far. But the gist of the strip, which has disappeared from the fridge, is this...

She wants to understand everything in the man's world...love...food...relationships...everything except football.

I am reminded of this strip every fall when football starts and I chuckle. I am not that into football except when the Bills make the playoffs. Fortunately, Mr. Bacon Bringer Homer doesn't care about football and the only time I catch the T.V. turned to a game is when he wants to check that the HD is working properly. He says the green is just gorgeous. I find him doing this @ oh... end of March. March, I know funny huh. Some women are married to football men and then some of us are married to baseball freaks. Thus it was as if Cathy was futuristically speaking to me about baseball...not so much, but my mind thinks of it that way.

Now, I like baseball. I played softball growing up, so I understand the game and understand the past time.  Mr. Bacon Bringer Homer played baseball in college and still loves to play. For the last 4 out of 5 years, Mr. Bacon Bringer Homer has played on an adult league, but for the 2011 season he asked me if I would mind if he played. I never gave him and answer, it was an open ended catch 22. He finally decided he wasn't going to play. At the time, I was pregnant with the Gator, and his due date was a few weeks into the season and it wouldn't be nice to leave me at home on the weekends sans help to play ball. Props to all you single parents out there, I just don't know how you do it! I thought this was very sweet that he wanted to stay at home with me and the kids. He also told me that since he was beginning to fall apart (age not disclosed...) he wanted to save whatever playing he had left in him for when Monk and TBD (Gator) were old enough to play. I know sweet again.

Throughout the season, his coach would call and ask him to come out and play. Mr. Bacon Bringer Homer always asked if we had anything special planned and if I would mind if he went. I obliged knowing how much the game means to him. Being a guest player wasn't an every weekend commitment, so we could manage the few hours. Funny thing though, come the end of the season, the messages left by the coach ended up being for me rather than Mr. Bacon Bringer Homer. Begging, pleading and some groveling was usually involved, but I packed the kids and we cheered Daddy on.

During the games, the coach collects all of the broken bats from all of the players, then he has a end of season party where they burn all those collected bats. The first year I went, I thought they were nuts. It seemed as if they were eulogizing these broken bats before sending them to their etherial destiny...followed by eating cake! Over the years I have come to understand this ritual for them. These men, relive/retell their favorite brief moments that revolve around a passion that lets them feel as if they have the world in the palm of their hands, their future is limitless, and the can do anything mindset...a little boy mentality.

These are men, not children... from different backgrounds, ages, and demographics, coming together forming a camaraderie for the love of playing as if they were 12 again. Baseball boys at heart. It is this part of the man's world that I want to understand. Being a woman, I have a such vast different perspective. Probably, because woman are too catty and I don't get that. We have very few things in common with each other. Most of us have motherhood in common and yes that bares somewhat of a camaraderie, but...what else?

Being a mother, in the 21 century, I am petrified in the electronic age that my sons will have little knowledge of what true commonality and camaraderie is. So, it is up to us parents to understand and pass on. Crackberry's, iPhones, iPad, PC, Mac, Xbox,...you name it & Wii just can't bring the past time and cherished memories of sharing a human moment together.